My spirit had been unsettled for a couple of days.

I was feeling irritated, stirred up, maybe even angry, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.  Why all this strong emotion? Why did it feel like I needed a cathartic cry? What was happening? Have my hormones finally and fully turned against me? I am nearing that age after all.

Reading my Bible was a challenge that morning. Distractions were dizzying. It was was difficult to focus on anything, let alone pray. So I just cried out to the Lord, “What is wrong with me???”

Immediately, He brought to mind that text message I’d gotten a few days back. The one where a neglect of my presumed duties and responsibilities was hinted at. The one that called into question my concern. The one that hinted at indolence. The one that felt like not-so-subtle one-upmanship.

How dare they insinuate a lack of conscientiousness in me? I thought.  If I pride myself in anything…

Ahhh…there it is.

Pride. Self-righteousness. Vanity. Egotism.

And all it took was one desperate, but simple prayer…Lord, what is wrong with me?

Funny, how quickly and specifically He will answer that one.

The direct hits to my ego. The questioning of the righteousness identity for which I want recognition. That’s what was wrong with me. That’s why my spirit was so disturbed, my passions so heightened.

It was a disheartening discovery.

Ironically, I had been reading Philippians 2 and 3 over and over during that time. (Actually, maybe it was more intentional than ironic.)(Intended by God, that is.)

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 

Philippians 2: 5-7

If anyone had a right to cling to an identity it was Jesus.

But He didn’t.

Though He was God Himself, He did not cling to, grasp at, utilize, or assert His God-ness.

Though He had every right, He did not rant or rave. He did not “humble brag.” He did not protest or picket. He did not demand justice for Himself, let alone respect…let alone praise.

Acts 8:33 says In his humiliation justice was denied him.

Does anyone allow themself to be denied justice these days?

Jesus did. He was not ruffled when those who should have, did not recognize Him for who He really was. He was not all hot and bothered when His good qualities were not highlighted by those around him.

No. Instead He washed the feet of traitors. Was silent before accusers. Did not hit or spit or revile in return.

How?

He knew who He was.

His ego was not fragile; it was secure.

He is the model of true and perfect confidence. He had righteous regard for Himself that required no positive response from others.

He’s also the source of true and perfect confidence. That’s what Philippians 3 says.

 I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ…

Here Paul has counted his elite status among the Jews as worthless in comparison to his status in Christ: Found.

Found in Christ.

Given the righteousness of Christ.

So, if that’s also my reality (God has deemed me righteous in Christ) why am I upset when someone doesn’t recognize it? Why does a silly text message give me fits? Why do I sulk and long to prove myself?

Because I resist being recognized for Christ’s righteousness and I embrace being recognized for my own. Which is crazy and non-sensical, but a reality in my heart, I’m afraid.

I just got home from walking around my town behind a huge wooden cross along with fellow Christians for the 19th straight year in a row. It’s an effort to identify with what Jesus endured today on a minuscule scale.

You’d think it would cure me of ever playing the victim again.

After we finished our very visible Good Friday pilgrimage, we had a time of reflection and prayer. My friend Kate talked about how Jesus told a group of mourning women not to weep for Him, but for themselves. Austin added to this that Jesus said that no one had taken His life from Him, but that He had chosen to lay it down.

May I know who I am.

May the next text message that suggests any lack of righteousness on my part, be received not in outrage, but for what it is: the truth. May my response from now on be: No one takes anything from me in suggesting about me what is true. My own righteousness is a filthy garment. I lay it down. I admit it.

And in that same moment, may I delight in the righteousness given to me through Christ’s cross.

Confident.

Secure.

Free.

 

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!

P.S. I listened to a GREAT podcast this week about our tendency to take Jesus for granted. I think it was especially timely for my own identity struggles as well as the celebration of His death and resurrection this weekend. Check it out here.