shrew
noun [C] OLD-FASHIONED DISAPPROVING
an unpleasant woman who is angry and easily annoyed

That was what I was close to becoming after borrowing a tiller, raking some manure-enhanced soil into the ground, buying and carefully planting lots of vegetable starts, and erecting the garden fence, only to find a few days later that everything had been chewed down to nubs by some critter. Infuriating!

I was pretty sure it wasn’t the groundhog family. (Yes, Mommy, Daddy, and 5 – count ’em 5 – kids!) I never found any tunnels dug under the fence, and they’ve become so bold now that they freely range in the backyard. They never go near the garden. But one day one of them got close, so I ran out with my apron on and spatula in hand to scare them off. (So scary!) They all scattered except one who not only stood his ground, but actually lunged for me – hissing! (The rebel of the family? Defiant 5 year old?) I threw pine cones and then rocks. He was unfazed. When he continued to lunge at me, I was the one who scattered – back to the kitchen window lookout! How DARE he!?!

Beware the shrew.

After discussing my garden critter woes with my friend Aimee, she told me that she had been trapping voles in her garden: 5 gallon bucket+water+birdseed+wooden plank from the ground to the tip of the bucket= lots of drowned voles! My only efforts to thwart my critters had involved hanging strips of vinegar-soaked strips of cloth on the garden fence.

But by then I had given up. I let the weeds take over. For several weeks.

And then sometime last month I noticed a few things that looked suspiciously NOT like weeds, so I went out to investigate. There were tomatoes growing on the ground, the basil was getting full and taller, three rows of zinnias were trying to make their way up through the jungle, and there were a few vine-y looking things with huge leaves and squash-like blossoms.

I couldn’t help but think of the parable of the sower that Jesus tells – the struggling plants being choked out by the worldly weeds, as I went out to try and give them some growing room. I staked and caged the poor tomatoes, and pulled (and even cut with scissors) the mass of weeds that surrounded some of the survivors.

So, not all was lost. And who can remain a shrew at the sight of these sweet little zinnias, or while picking basil for pesto, or watching tomatoes go from green to bright red?

One morning this week, I went out to feed the dog and check on the rest of the livestock :), and I jumped as I approached Buddy’s water bowl. Was that a mouse floating there lifeless and slate gray? No. This creature had longer legs, a shorter tail, and an elongated snout! Then I remembered Aimee’s voles. Must be a vole – drowned in a bowl – and I didn’t even try. I called the kids out to see the fate of our garden thief – or at least one of them. Ha! Ha! Ha! I’ve got you now you little vole, you, and I will get even MORE of you next summer with my 5 gallon bucket traps. (hear the shrew-like tone)

And then this morning, I opened up my computer wanting to post these photos of semi-garden success, and decided to do a little research on voles at the same time. The photos and descriptions were not matching up to the thing I saw floating in the water bowl.

Hmmmm….

So, I Google “small critter with elongated nose.”

Just guess. A SHREW!

And it turns out they eat 3-4 times their bodyweight per day.

Not next year. Not in my yard.

But I won’t be trying to scare them off with my flying spatula either after what I learned from AskTheExterminator.com….

“Whatever you do, don’t try to catch a shrew yourself. They are vicious and aggressive when angered. These feisty little creatures will not be afraid to take a chunk out of your hand with their sharp teeth. Some shrews even have toxins in their saliva.”

Turns out I need some coyote or fox urine.

Wonder if that would have helped this aggressive, toxic shrew before wise Petruchio came around?

And, in conclusion, she shall watch all night,
And, if she chance to nod, I’ll rail and brawl,
And with the clamor keep her still awake.
This is the way to kill a wife with kindness.
And thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humor.
He that knows better how to tame a shrew,
Now let him speak; ’tis charity to shew.”

Petruchio

Conclusion: Shrews can make a shrew out of ignorant gardeners. (and even informed ones.)